The moment

August 1, 2009

It’s early morning, but I’ve been up for a while. Long rough night with a baby who is either teething or going through a growth spurt or perhaps, both. I was supposed to sleep in but couldn’t manage to do it.

So I sit in my new leather armchair in the living room, my feet up in the recline position, my laptop across my legs and ontop of that is my choc-qua blanket. Outside a lovely steady rain falls, and on the tv plays Countdown not with Keith Olbermann. I am reading Yarnharlot archives, and a site about customers who are insane, and I knit.

I have been quiet again, I tend to do that and I know it and try not to but I can’t help it. This time I have knit. The blanket is growing under my fingers, each stitch layering on the last and each color playing with the surrounding ones. I knit and I think. My family is surrounded by pain and fear lately. I am heading out in a few weeks to go back east to..I don’t know begin a process. I hope it will be a good one with a good ending, but at the same time I fear that it will not be. I fear that I will be going back more and more to watch someone I love disappear slowly over time. But not slowly enough. Never slowly enough.

My step mother is very sick. I want to write more but it is a combination of making it real by writing it down, and giving information that is not mine that stops me. It is enough to say…that she is very sick and the outlook is scary right now. My family is still nursing the wounds of loosing my grandmother. Every day I think about her, every day I wish I could call her and talk to her. My father has not even gone a year without her and now he is facing this..alone.

I miss my Grandmother so much in this moment it is breath taking.

So I knit. I work on the blanket, I plan another. I work on the socks, I plan more. I knit and I take care of the children. I think, I plan for vacation. I knit.

I will try to write more, but I can not make promises.

However, here is what I knit.

The progress of the blanket

The progress of the blanket

Even if we are not going to the beach, the socks are here.

Even if we are not going to the beach, the socks are here.

Look whos sitting up!

Look who's sitting up!

Very tired

July 16, 2009

I have had a long day and am I going to bow out tonight. But I’ll write tomorrow!

Lotta stuff.

July 15, 2009

There is a lot of things hanging on the horizon. People in the family who are sick, perhaps very sick and are worrying me. The big kid is channeling his former days of being a tyrant and we are fighting like cats and dogs again. Mostly me growling through my teeth as he purposefully does precisely what I tell him -not- to do. The husband is facing down his own illness and surgery and though it is minor it has shaken the house routine (hence the radio silence yesterday). The baby is teething and seemingly bound and determined to put his fingers and body into immediate harm in the shortest period of time (I am not kidding. Put him on the ground turn your back to grab a diaper and wipes and cream and turn back around to find him crawling to the fan hand out reached to shove into it.)

Time seems preciously short and I feel frazzled and overworked. Like dough loosing it’s elasticity I just am tired and run down and my throat feels tight and raw like a cold is trying to take advantage of my relaxed moment and get it is fingers/feet in the door.

Wow this all sounds incredibly whiny and it is incredibly whiny but god damnit I am feeling particularly flattened and need a little whine time.

I have also done the gratifying thing and knit. Miles and miles of garter stitch, the yarn slipping through my fingers, the needles clicking pleasantly and a blanket is being churned out. I know more wool blankets in the middle of july in texas. Sounds crazy to me as well. But I am happy to do it and as my hands work, as chocolate is replaced with a brillant teal and a new block is made, I feel a little childish blurble of happiness. This makes me happy.

I saw on Mason Dixon a Log cabin blanket made of noro and it was like a bolt of lightening applied to my ass. I can use some of my gorgeous yarn to make -blankets-. Not just scarves! I have one in my head already and am eager to begin it. Blankets and blankets and more and more blankets. I will never use all of them but the thought of them pleases me. Big blankets that will be handed down maybe, or perhaps given to loved ones.

Annnnd as I was writing this Hunter started to get sick. I knew something was off with him, he’s been a monster lately but frankly today he was working for ‘evilest nearly five year old ever to exist’. I have tucked him into bed with the fan on him, a bucket near by, and Garfield a tale of two kitties merrily chattering away at him on the screen.  Gabe took the moment to sense my stress levels achieving epic perportions and kindly shuffled off for a nap as well. Or at least I am going to assume it is a  nap because to assume that it is a blessed early bed time for me would be only something that would be heartbreaking should he awaken in an hour or so.

As it is now I shall see this as a kind gift, and if it is an early bedtime for my feverish teething little buckaroo I will see that as an even kinder offering.

I will take this reprieve from chasing the infant who wants to chew on any electrical cord he can find, and seems to ferret out lighters I hadn’t even realized we -had- in the house (either he is importing them in or I was squirreling them away in some sort of odd lighter shortage fear) and the five year old who is channeling his inner 15 year old and go and knit. I hope tomorrow I will have some more reserves left.

Another busy day

July 13, 2009

Normally I would be here telling you all about my Sarah Palin glasses on the way, or how the cute shoes are here and I am suddenly and endlessly in love with Zappos (oh you are so going to be my ticket to my life long dream of oxblood doc martins and 20 hole doc martins, yes you are you precious little thing you. Don’t worry the rest of you, I got cute heels too)..or how I finally realized yesterday that putting yarn and needles into the basket together and leaving them to their own devices would not make for a mating pair that would produre a life size blanket for me right.the.hell.now….or even how I got more books than I have time to read and I still go to the library every week..or the baby’s eye/sinus cold that is making him miserable..or even politics.

But my nemisis the stomach who shall not be named (I’m looking at you Midsection) is acting up something fierce and I am going to toot off with some pain meds and play WoW.

So instead of all that? I will leave you with a few pitctures.

Heres a good pic of the babys black eye and the illustration that HE IS OFFICIALLY CRAWLING NOW PEOPLE.

Here's a good pic of the baby's black eye and the illustration that HE IS OFFICIALLY CRAWLING NOW PEOPLE.

Choc-qua blanket update 1. The one where you realize I havent finished the first block.

Choc-qua blanket update 1. The one where you realize I haven't finished the first block.

Sunday Roundup

July 12, 2009

So  I went for sushi yesterday with Lissa to a new restaurant recommended by a woman I met at the swim lessons for Hunter, and while she was right, it was -excellent- food, I fear that Liss and I are just not as high brow as that place. I knew we were a bit out of our water when I ordered my normal coke with the meal and was informed that they don’t serve soda. It was some awesome sushi though. Incredibly tasty and something that we’ll do again for sure but I think next time we’ll bring our own soda.

However, even though I had a lovely afternoon with her and have a hoop sitting in my living room that is telling me to practice so I can you know, even keep it -up- for more than ten seconds (yes I have fallen for the hooping spell, I want to loose weight people), and I should be mentioning about how it wasn’t really a shiner after all but the start of a sinus or eye infection in the baby..I am going to do something that I think I shall repeat every sunday, to start including a bit of the politics I have mentioned in this blog.

So here are the issues that have been on my mind this week.

The potential appointee for the state board of education in Texas

This should be an obvious reason of why it’s on my mind. This woman is and I say this with unvarnished honesty and intent..a fucking nutjob. She believes public education to be unconstitutional, is concerned that Obama will be setting martial law any moment thinks that the government should be run with a ‘God Litmus test’ and my Governor  the very one who thinks that Texas needs to..or maybe should succeed from the union is thinking of appointing her to the head of the state board of education. I can not -tell- you how much as a parent that this woman scares the hell out of me. I am seriously considering moving from here if she gets the job. Hell with the political atmosphere that is running through my state now (her supporters call us ‘the pagan left’) I don’t care if there is some validity of her arguements to the constitutionalism of public education her being appointed to that position constitutes a conflict of interest and she should be publicly standing up and sayin that she should not be considered nor would she accept.

Because that would be the honest and honorable thing to do. She could work on legislation to get it abolished, she could lead a movement to take it down but to be appointed to it’s -head-? Completely unethical. And scary. Lord is it ever -scary-.

The Attorney General talking about prosecuting the Bush Administration

This is my biggest issue with the Obama Administration. The fact that he spoke of accountability and transperency and has back slid on all of it. I don’t get the ‘I don’t want to look back’ mentality. I think that this man broke the law, betrayed the american people and our consititution and the people and him should be held accountable. I think for us to redeem ourselves for any of the things that has occured under our watch in the past 8 years we -have- to do this. So that people see that we are not ignoring it and we are not condoning it. Please prosecute them! I completely support any effort to bring real consequence for crimes to our political arena. It’s high time that we are not the only ones held accountable to the law!

Michael Moore had it right in Sicko

A high ranking member of CIGNA says that they made a costly and concentrated effort to disabuse the truth that was potrayed in the movie Sicko, that the health care in other countries that is run by the government is working and well handled.

“We shouldn’t fear government involvement in our health care system. There is an appropriate role for government, and it’s been proven in the countries that were in that movie.”

He admitts that the insurance companies put profit infront of people and that investors look at actual health care as a ‘medical loss ratio’ and reward lack of ‘medical loss ratio’ and find any growth as in any actual -health care for insured patients- as ridiculous and unwanted. People this is the freaking reason why we -need- regulation and governmental intervention in health care. Preforming -actual health care- on paitents shouldn’t be a detriment to the system! It is the purpose and it is absolutely -neccessary-. Because what happens if the investors see a raise in medical loss ratio? they demand it is lowered and -you don’t get health care- because of that. That? is ridiculous. Not the fact that sick people get help..the fact that some investors believe that sick people getting help cuts their bottom line.

I can not expound on how much the mentality involved in that situation. It is disgusting and absolutely something that I am passionate about seeing change in.

Alright I think that’s enough soap boxing for one morning. I think I shall go make some coffee and a bowl of rice chex and watch some Rachel Maddow and knit. Maybe then I’ll calm down. I doubt it though.