Freezing that Frame

So I have had some morning sickness recently.

That sounds incredibly mild. What I have had is not morning sickness..it’s some sort of horrible hellish version of morning sickness. Which is why I haven’t written because all I could think to say was ‘Send help, Send the Marines’ and that did no one any good.

So yeah, was not feeling good. This one is way more on the puke part.  The leg is still hurting and while I went into the doc today I didn’t actually see the doc so I’ll have to go in next week to have them check out the leg thing.

However, today..I got to see the little thing making all this illness come about.

I went into a very large practice with a lot of glitz that was very nice and got a gallon of blood taken, my history completed and all of that loveliness. TT was there and while he bounced off the wall like some sort of ninja child on sugar he wasn’t -that- bad. Finally we went into the ultrasound room and I got to have the wand of doom.

There it was..after a bit of poking and prodding, she finally turned the screen to me and there was my little baby. Heart thumping away crazily, arms and legs waving, though impossibly small. Until then, this pregnancy has seemed a little unreal to me. There’s been an element of ‘yeah I’m pregnant but…not really right?’. It seemed so far away, so distant and completely made up.

I went through the motions of taking care of myself, no smoking, drinking or anything fun..but I didn’t really put my heart into it. I craved cigarettes..I dreamt about the damn things. I just pushed myself past the thoughts of what was going to come and lived in the weird first trimester limbo.

But watching that little thing on the screen. I remembered the magic of being pregnant. The way I felt when I was pregnant with Hunter..all excited..completely thrilled every day waking up thinking ‘I’m pregnant’. I wanted this baby, I dreamed of having it from when TT was about six months old till now. But somehow when it happened I got scared, I got freaked out about what was going to happen how my life was going to change  instead of getting excited..being happy about the situation like I was when I was pregnant with TT.

It was a complete reversal..last time I didn’t get panicky until I was being wheeled down the hall to have TT cut out of me. I was so excited every other moment of the pregnancy that it was unreal. I lived on cloud nine until the moment of truth then I wanted to rewind everything and have them give me more time. This time I realized how much was going to change with this because I’ve done it before and I got scared immediately..and now slowly..I’m getting excited.

Seeing that precious life inside of me helped a lot. Watching arms and legs wobble, seeing it twitch and move and knowing that there is a whole new life inside of me waiting to come out…that changed the game for me. I have pictures now..grainy black and white shots of a tiny little blob that’s just grown arms and legs and is probably no bigger than 3 inches. But that’s my kid in there..and I’m finally looking forward to all of this.

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2 Comments »

  1. 1
    Allyson Says:

    Just so you know, I’m Unixslut over on LJ. 🙂 My sis is 8 weeks pregnant, with an “oops” baby, too. She’s suffering from morning sickness, but not the throw up kind. She just feels horridly ill all day long. However, we’re working on it.

    She just had her ultrasound, too. I went with, and it was pretty amazing. 🙂

  2. 2
    angelgypsy Says:

    I know what you mean. That magic moment with Harry was at the first OB appt which didn’t happen til I was about 4 months along, and they put the little thing on my belly and let me hear the heartbeat. That is when I knew my greatest dream really had come true and I really was pregnant. And yet, there were still times, still ARE when I think I dreamed it and I’m not really a mommy. But I am. and I love it.


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