Overload

So it’s late writing today, and yesterday I didn’t even manage to write at all.

Bad Blogger, no biscuit.

I am totally blaming this on the level of exhaustion that I’m existing in though. Yesterday morning I mis-read an e-mail and went to pick up Miss Fayne at the airport at 5:30 am. Too bad she wasn’t arriving until -this- morning at 5:30 which meant I drug Ninja up to the airport yesterday for nothing, and then drug poor Loren up to the airport this morning as well. I am such a douche.

So after I drug my butt up out of bed yesterday, I finally got Lissa her birthday present by taking her out to sushi. We found a new restaurant in  Arlington because Nagoya was moving or something. It was fairly good but we managed to -way- over order. They actually brought us our sushi in a boat. That’s a lot of sushi people. But it was good, the tuna was delicious, our only complaints were that the dumplings were cold, and the sushi was a bit warm. Beyond that? great fish.

Then thanks to an unexpected windfall from Grandma, we stopped by the yarn store and I scored two things of Jitterbug (for hats for me) one of which was Lissa’s favorite color-way, something she totally raked me over the coals for. However, I am not responsible for my blue yarn obsession when her and MEB continually fob it off on me. I also picked up a skien of Mountain Colors to make a hat for Loren out of. It’s not my favorite color or my first choice but he fell in love with it so I figured that it’s time I show my forgiveness in the only way a knitter can. I accept the brown yarn and make him a hat.

After that, we went and had some lovely dessert at a french bakery that I haven’t tried before but wanted to. Then we dropped off Lissa and decided to take TT to a new playground that we found near his old store. It was a fairly great playground, massive and well built. However, it ended up badly.

Poor Hunter wanted to play with all the kids but there was a odd combination of kids too small for him to play with and too big to want to play with him. After the first wave of them left one of which who was rude and obnoxious, there was two little boys who showed up. They were probably six or eight years old, maybe even twins. Hunter latched onto them instantly and they totally ignored him.

It bothered me but there wasn’t much I could do about it, I can’t force older kids to play with a three year old. However it broke my heart into pieces as he chased them around, following them like a little puppy dog while they ditched him at every opportunity and visibly mocked him and tried to get rid of him. The moment though that I was ready to leap up and rip out someone’s throat with my teeth was when he proudly told them that he got  to come to the play ground because he went pee-pee in the potty.  They laughed at him, not a funny good natured laugh but a mocking mean one.

I can not now, nor ever accurately describe what it felt like to see my son in that situation. Every instinct in my body was to run up and slap those little kids in the face and wrap up my son and tell them that they were stupid jerks who meant nothing.

They ditched him again and this time I intervened, pulling him over and trying to redirect him to the younger children. He didn’t understand and protested loudly about not being able to play with the boys. I kept trying to tell him that they were playing games he couldn’t play, like getting too close to the road and throwing rocks. He kept arguing his case and finally frustrated, upset, heartbroke and sad I spat out ‘They are mean boys TT we don’t play with mean people.’

My son then reduced me to tears when he looked at me and said ‘The boys are not mean Mommy, they’re just Grumpy’.  He forgave them everything without hesitation, and I could not find the words to explain to him why he should avoid them.

I finally got him redirected to a little girl who looked close to his age, but she and her parents both avoided us no matter what overture that he and I made. I tried to talk to her mother, I was brushed off, he tried to talk to her and her parents kept calling her away. I guess my weird hair and his mohawk threw them off. All I know is that I  was frustrated, hurt, angry, and so sad for my little man. All he wanted to do was play with someone and everywhere he turned he was shot down.

I know that no matter what I do I can not save him from the heartbreak and meanness of other people. I know that he will have his feelings hurt, his heart stomped on and he will feel lonely and like an outcast. I will say right now though, there is nothing that I would not do to prevent any of that. I would cut out my own heart and take every slight and attack for him if I could. Watching the scene unfold last night, I would have sold my soul to make those kids be nice to him. I felt uncivilized and wild, I wanted to inflict as much harm on them as I could.

We finally left after we were snubbed by the mother and daughter and bribed TT out of the park with promises of McDonalds and going to MEB’s to play with her son. He was tired and strung out anyways, and I probably should have just taken him home but I was so desperate to have him play with someone who wasn’t a complete jerk to him that I took him over. He of course was whiny and temper-tantrumy  so the night wasn’t productive but at least he got to play with someone.

We came home around ten, I tossed him into bed and then I got up with Loren this morning and went and got Miss Fayne.

I still feel bruised and sad over yesterday, even if TT doesn’t seem affected today and probably doesn’t even remember it. I know though, that next time we go to that park we’ll be taking friends with us, so that TT and everyone will have a chance to play.

Tomorrow is Easter, we’ll be waking up early to put out the eggs for hiding, tonight we’ll assemble the basket. I’m going to focus on the warmth of the experience, the memory that  I will be building with him as a family. We’ll build other memories, good ones to help keep him afloat when bad things happen. John Douglas wrote that the best way of keeping your child safe and secure in most situations is to let them know every day that they are loved and that you are proud of them. I think about that every time we put a sticker up on his potty board, or every time he does something amazing and the whole of our circle praises him.

I want him to know without a doubt, that he is loved, he is special and he has people who care about him always.

Alright off to do errands.

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1 Comment »

  1. 1
    Jeffiner Says:

    …I’m with you on that one. Poor Hunter — kids are so cruel. But it shows what a nice, caring little boy you have that he would forgive them so quickly.
    Hope you guys have a nice holiday!
    (i_open_doors)


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