It’s early morning, but I’ve been up for a while. Long rough night with a baby who is either teething or going through a growth spurt or perhaps, both. I was supposed to sleep in but couldn’t manage to do it.

So I sit in my new leather armchair in the living room, my feet up in the recline position, my laptop across my legs and ontop of that is my choc-qua blanket. Outside a lovely steady rain falls, and on the tv plays Countdown not with Keith Olbermann. I am reading Yarnharlot archives, and a site about customers who are insane, and I knit.

I have been quiet again, I tend to do that and I know it and try not to but I can’t help it. This time I have knit. The blanket is growing under my fingers, each stitch layering on the last and each color playing with the surrounding ones. I knit and I think. My family is surrounded by pain and fear lately. I am heading out in a few weeks to go back east to..I don’t know begin a process. I hope it will be a good one with a good ending, but at the same time I fear that it will not be. I fear that I will be going back more and more to watch someone I love disappear slowly over time. But not slowly enough. Never slowly enough.

My step mother is very sick. I want to write more but it is a combination of making it real by writing it down, and giving information that is not mine that stops me. It is enough to say…that she is very sick and the outlook is scary right now. My family is still nursing the wounds of loosing my grandmother. Every day I think about her, every day I wish I could call her and talk to her. My father has not even gone a year without her and now he is facing this..alone.

I miss my Grandmother so much in this moment it is breath taking.

So I knit. I work on the blanket, I plan another. I work on the socks, I plan more. I knit and I take care of the children. I think, I plan for vacation. I knit.

I will try to write more, but I can not make promises.

However, here is what I knit.

The progress of the blanket

Even if we are not going to the beach, the socks are here.

Look who's sitting up!

I have had a long day and am I going to bow out tonight. But I’ll write tomorrow!

There is a lot of things hanging on the horizon. People in the family who are sick, perhaps very sick and are worrying me. The big kid is channeling his former days of being a tyrant and we are fighting like cats and dogs again. Mostly me growling through my teeth as he purposefully does precisely what I tell him -not- to do. The husband is facing down his own illness and surgery and though it is minor it has shaken the house routine (hence the radio silence yesterday). The baby is teething and seemingly bound and determined to put his fingers and body into immediate harm in the shortest period of time (I am not kidding. Put him on the ground turn your back to grab a diaper and wipes and cream and turn back around to find him crawling to the fan hand out reached to shove into it.)

Time seems preciously short and I feel frazzled and overworked. Like dough loosing it’s elasticity I just am tired and run down and my throat feels tight and raw like a cold is trying to take advantage of my relaxed moment and get it is fingers/feet in the door.

Wow this all sounds incredibly whiny and it is incredibly whiny but god damnit I am feeling particularly flattened and need a little whine time.

I have also done the gratifying thing and knit. Miles and miles of garter stitch, the yarn slipping through my fingers, the needles clicking pleasantly and a blanket is being churned out. I know more wool blankets in the middle of july in texas. Sounds crazy to me as well. But I am happy to do it and as my hands work, as chocolate is replaced with a brillant teal and a new block is made, I feel a little childish blurble of happiness. This makes me happy.

I saw on Mason Dixon a Log cabin blanket made of noro and it was like a bolt of lightening applied to my ass. I can use some of my gorgeous yarn to make -blankets-. Not just scarves! I have one in my head already and am eager to begin it. Blankets and blankets and more and more blankets. I will never use all of them but the thought of them pleases me. Big blankets that will be handed down maybe, or perhaps given to loved ones.

Annnnd as I was writing this Hunter started to get sick. I knew something was off with him, he’s been a monster lately but frankly today he was working for ‘evilest nearly five year old ever to exist’. I have tucked him into bed with the fan on him, a bucket near by, and Garfield a tale of two kitties merrily chattering away at him on the screen.  Gabe took the moment to sense my stress levels achieving epic perportions and kindly shuffled off for a nap as well. Or at least I am going to assume it is a  nap because to assume that it is a blessed early bed time for me would be only something that would be heartbreaking should he awaken in an hour or so.

As it is now I shall see this as a kind gift, and if it is an early bedtime for my feverish teething little buckaroo I will see that as an even kinder offering.

I will take this reprieve from chasing the infant who wants to chew on any electrical cord he can find, and seems to ferret out lighters I hadn’t even realized we -had- in the house (either he is importing them in or I was squirreling them away in some sort of odd lighter shortage fear) and the five year old who is channeling his inner 15 year old and go and knit. I hope tomorrow I will have some more reserves left.

Normally I would be here telling you all about my Sarah Palin glasses on the way, or how the cute shoes are here and I am suddenly and endlessly in love with Zappos (oh you are so going to be my ticket to my life long dream of oxblood doc martins and 20 hole doc martins, yes you are you precious little thing you. Don’t worry the rest of you, I got cute heels too)..or how I finally realized yesterday that putting yarn and needles into the basket together and leaving them to their own devices would not make for a mating pair that would produre a life size blanket for me right.the.hell.now….or even how I got more books than I have time to read and I still go to the library every week..or the baby’s eye/sinus cold that is making him miserable..or even politics.

But my nemisis the stomach who shall not be named (I’m looking at you Midsection) is acting up something fierce and I am going to toot off with some pain meds and play WoW.

So instead of all that? I will leave you with a few pitctures.

Here's a good pic of the baby's black eye and the illustration that HE IS OFFICIALLY CRAWLING NOW PEOPLE.

Choc-qua blanket update 1. The one where you realize I haven't finished the first block.

So  I went for sushi yesterday with Lissa to a new restaurant recommended by a woman I met at the swim lessons for Hunter, and while she was right, it was -excellent- food, I fear that Liss and I are just not as high brow as that place. I knew we were a bit out of our water when I ordered my normal coke with the meal and was informed that they don’t serve soda. It was some awesome sushi though. Incredibly tasty and something that we’ll do again for sure but I think next time we’ll bring our own soda.

However, even though I had a lovely afternoon with her and have a hoop sitting in my living room that is telling me to practice so I can you know, even keep it -up- for more than ten seconds (yes I have fallen for the hooping spell, I want to loose weight people), and I should be mentioning about how it wasn’t really a shiner after all but the start of a sinus or eye infection in the baby..I am going to do something that I think I shall repeat every sunday, to start including a bit of the politics I have mentioned in this blog.

So here are the issues that have been on my mind this week.

The potential appointee for the state board of education in Texas

This should be an obvious reason of why it’s on my mind. This woman is and I say this with unvarnished honesty and intent..a fucking nutjob. She believes public education to be unconstitutional, is concerned that Obama will be setting martial law any moment thinks that the government should be run with a ‘God Litmus test’ and my Governor  the very one who thinks that Texas needs to..or maybe should succeed from the union is thinking of appointing her to the head of the state board of education. I can not -tell- you how much as a parent that this woman scares the hell out of me. I am seriously considering moving from here if she gets the job. Hell with the political atmosphere that is running through my state now (her supporters call us ‘the pagan left’) I don’t care if there is some validity of her arguements to the constitutionalism of public education her being appointed to that position constitutes a conflict of interest and she should be publicly standing up and sayin that she should not be considered nor would she accept.

Because that would be the honest and honorable thing to do. She could work on legislation to get it abolished, she could lead a movement to take it down but to be appointed to it’s -head-? Completely unethical. And scary. Lord is it ever -scary-.

The Attorney General talking about prosecuting the Bush Administration

This is my biggest issue with the Obama Administration. The fact that he spoke of accountability and transperency and has back slid on all of it. I don’t get the ‘I don’t want to look back’ mentality. I think that this man broke the law, betrayed the american people and our consititution and the people and him should be held accountable. I think for us to redeem ourselves for any of the things that has occured under our watch in the past 8 years we -have- to do this. So that people see that we are not ignoring it and we are not condoning it. Please prosecute them! I completely support any effort to bring real consequence for crimes to our political arena. It’s high time that we are not the only ones held accountable to the law!

Michael Moore had it right in Sicko

A high ranking member of CIGNA says that they made a costly and concentrated effort to disabuse the truth that was potrayed in the movie Sicko, that the health care in other countries that is run by the government is working and well handled.

“We shouldn’t fear government involvement in our health care system. There is an appropriate role for government, and it’s been proven in the countries that were in that movie.”

He admitts that the insurance companies put profit infront of people and that investors look at actual health care as a ‘medical loss ratio’ and reward lack of ‘medical loss ratio’ and find any growth as in any actual -health care for insured patients- as ridiculous and unwanted. People this is the freaking reason why we -need- regulation and governmental intervention in health care. Preforming -actual health care- on paitents shouldn’t be a detriment to the system! It is the purpose and it is absolutely -neccessary-. Because what happens if the investors see a raise in medical loss ratio? they demand it is lowered and -you don’t get health care- because of that. That? is ridiculous. Not the fact that sick people get help..the fact that some investors believe that sick people getting help cuts their bottom line.

I can not expound on how much the mentality involved in that situation. It is disgusting and absolutely something that I am passionate about seeing change in.

Alright I think that’s enough soap boxing for one morning. I think I shall go make some coffee and a bowl of rice chex and watch some Rachel Maddow and knit. Maybe then I’ll calm down. I doubt it though.

So I missed two days. I know I know I am a bad bad blogger. Really there is a few excuses. Like on Thursday Hunter had a sleep over (and some how I remember these being a lot more fun.) They came over and I grilled up hot dogs and they played Xbox and Wii until their brains bled out of their ears and I did let them play it as long as they like because it was a sleep over and that’s a big deal and then they went to bed and watched a movie until they passed out and got too little sleep and it was seemingly a glorious time for the two of them.

Then yesterday we took his friend home and made a lovely at home dinner and had friends over and before they arrived the baby announced to the world that his sneaking suspicion about whether or not he could still be in the bumbo…by taking a header off of the kitchen table face first onto the floor. The thing is, he was surrounded by people. His Dad, our roommate, even Hunter and it was so quick it was unbelievable. I was in the living room while it happened and the sound of his thump and the scream will haunt me for a long while. I kept thinking about the warnings on the bumbo about skull fractures and the like.  And the baby that Billy Bob Thorton’s daughter was watching who died..But so far it seems as if all that we have is a black eye and a knot. He fell asleep and woke up and it’s the next morning and he looks fine. We watched him carefully last night, debating whether or not we should go to the hospital before finally saying that we would wait and see.

Loren feels like absolute shit and beat himself up all night, but the truth of the matter is we’re just entering the whole ‘Head Trauma’ phase of life. If Hunter is any indication I can expect a number of attempts to kill himself for the next few years. Because Darwinism doesn’t apply to babies. I can only wonder how the cave people dealt with this crap ‘UGH! NO DO NOT POKE THE RAPTOR. NO! DO NOT CLIMB THAT ROCK!’ It’s a wonder we survived this long  people.

In other news that has absolutely nothing to do with babies and the things that they do to themselves…

I have sushi today, regardless of the fact that my stomach was giving me grief last night, I got actual girl shoes. Like real. Girl shoes not boys hoes I’m ganking for my purposes on the way and I am knitting and reading and doing things and life is pleasantly busy. We are gearing up as a family to get ready to go to a trip at the beach. Which sounds exciting and I -am- excited but at the same time I am dreading an airplane trip and a five hour car ride with two kids.

But beach! yay!

This feels really disjointed but I am dealing with a teething baby who is only letting me peck out a sentence at a time, so before it gets to be too much I am going to slap up a picture and call it a day.

Mommy's little death drap. G'bye Bumbo!

Well not really but lord is it ever hot out there. I mean it’s crazy hot, it’s scary hot, it’s got some issues hot.

It’s been another long day and now the boys (well some of them, the littlest who might kick my ass if he’s strapped into a car seat) are in a car getting an important piece of gaming equipment to make things -work- and then? then let the Wii begin. We’ve had it for a while, but caught wind of a good sale and finally procured poor Hunter some games that wouldn’t make him frustrated and angry. At least I hope they won’t. I’m getting very tired of having to sit there and try to figure something out for him.

Before all of you get up in arms, he does play a game every day, but not all day. He gets 2 hours a day to play whatever game he wants to. Lately it’s been Lego Batman/Starwars/Indiana Jones. In the school year he only gets to play a game on weekends (friday-sunday) IF he has gotten all good marks. Otherwise he is not allowed to touch it.

So yes, my son plays video games, but he is not..you know an all day brain rotting out of his ears gamer.

I am not sure why it is that I feel I need to justify or defend my parenting choices here, or even why I believe anyone who reads this thing -cares- about the details. I feel like there is a level of scrutiny going on. I need to get past it because honestly I can’t even care this much about other blogs.

The day in the pool was great, one of those moments where the love of Gabe for Hunter was so visible you could taste it. Hunter was tracked intently, he was mimicked and he was splashed and squealed at and babbled to. Gabe calmed with him, actually had a good time in the water with him. As we drove endless errands around the city, in the back of the car was a near constant coo fest Hunter mimicking Gabe’s trills for a happy and excited Gabe who was only over joyed to make more of those noises for him. In the stores, Gabe would light up when Hunter would push his face into the carrier and the two of them would trill and tribble and squeal at each other.

Gabe absolutely -loves- Hunter. With an unending  unconditional love that sometimes makes me feel a little jealous of him. Hunter can do no wrong. Hunter can get him in the water, Hunter can make him eat food, Hunter can make him smile and tolerate diaper changes. Hunter can stop a fuss in mid squall and the two of them have a secret language they goo and gaa at each other with.

It is the reason I had another child, it is one more reason that I am breathless of with love for this baby. How he made our family so much -more- how he filled a hole I didn’t even know was there. Hunter needed a brother, someone that thought he was the coolest thing in the whole world. I needed a happy giggling baby of joy, one who puppy body wiggles when he sees me..who flings himself into my chest open mouth and grabs my face to slobber across my nose with baby kisses. Loren needed someone who shrieks with laughter when he makes monster noises and who sits on his lap furiously gumming his fingers while he plays WoW. We needed Gabriel. We just didn’t know we did.

Look at that brotherly love.

How precious they are.

So it’s not precisely ‘early’ but it isn’t late either and that’s an improvement. I am slugging my way through the afternoon, the morning was a whirlwind of activity and swimming with babies and boys. Right now we are all dragging tush. Baby thrashing happily and cheerfully in his bouncer, swinging up and down easily and crowing his accomplishments. The big one is in the kitchen carefully playing a lego game on the xbox and I am pecking out words slowly and carefully as I try to keep awake and focus on something.

I should be knitting, my hands want to work the stitches and make something happen, but there are other things pressing on me, the fact the baby might not be so happy in a moment the thought that tonight when dinner is being made, and baths being drawn, and books being read I will not have the energy or inclination to writhe and I am glad that I am writing, I am struggling to find my voice, to figure out where it is..and what it is I want to write about or go to. I could write about today, about how it made me glad to be a mother, my arms around the little baby that has stolen my heart as the big brother he loves and adores taught him that the big cool pool wasn’t scary and unfun. I could write about the curl of kittens in a box at the foot of the crib, babies near babies and how this morning I took Gabe from his crib before he was awake and brought him to me in bed and we laid there, with a sleeping Daddy and snuggled and yawned and woke up carefully and when we were truly awake and smiling and squirming with joy to meet the new day I brought over a small baby kitten and he reached up a pudgy dimpled hand to touch gently. I could write about how having two children is more than I thought it could be and how it stretched my heart, my patience and my joy.

I could write about how I am tired of Palin and the noise she generates for doing things that are not honorable nor honest. I could write about Michael Jackson, how I have his memoral on with the sound off and instead of listening to people talk about him and what is going on. I am listening to the love song mix of someone else and musing on the universal adoration of Jack Johnson from 3 year olds to 30 year olds.

I could write about feminism and how it’s been sitting in my head and heart lately, an uncomfortable twisting of startling awareness and exhaustion. A fight that I am too tired to begin and too old not to. I voted this past election for the first time in my entire adult life I am ashamed to say and it seem to have been the opening of a flood gates. I need to vote. I need to do more. I could write about that, the conversations, arguments and discussions I have been having. The work of tryin to open people up to the realities of what is going on, trying to shake off the shackles of ‘just take a joke’ and ‘don’t rock the boat.’ But even here somehow I am not sure how far I can go, how much flak I will get and how comfortable I am standing on my own two legs.

I could write about the woes of the new projects, how the socks that I gushed over betrayed me with gauge or how the blanket that seemed a little hard but doable suddenly blossomed into huge massive project that I am going to be working on until I am -dead- people -D.e.a.d-. I could write about the new yarn that shook its tush at me and is calling my name.

I feel unfocused, so much to say and not sure how to make it all come together, how to be coherent and interesting, how to make it relevant and worth reading. So I instead, write about what I could write about and peck out words carefully and slowly while the afternoon drags by and the baby goes from happy squeals to low little murmurs that will soon turn into complaints and my time is drawing to a close. Maybe tomorrow I will have a clear idea of where I am going with it and find a single topic to write about.  And I will put up some more pictures I promise.

Hunter as a newborn. Vintage like.

I try to write early in the morning. I think it’s something that I should get into more often. However, today has just been incredibly busy and tiring and I haven’t gotten a chance to say or do anything until this moment. It’s a good moment, the house is quiet, the men are off at work or whatever, the boys are in their beds, and I am putting on Keith Olbermann to figure out, with the rest of the country, why Sarah Palin is doing what she’s doing.

Not that I think that Keith or his guests will have a clue, it’s just that I prefer liberal rhetoric to conservative rhetoric.

I don’t talk about politics or issues here a lot, but it seems to be a lie on my part because I am a very political woman becoming more and more interested in issues, I am just not comfortable with posting them here. I read somewhere that you should pick one direction for your blog and stick to it. Motherhood, or Political, or Knitting or what have you. The thing is? I am all those things. I am a mother, who knits and loves to knit, and I am a feminist liberal living in Texas struggling to find my place in a very very red state.

Take this Palin thing, I am not sure at all how to feel about it. It seems to me that the Conservatives are just blindly following her and I am flabbergasted. I as a voter would never elect someone who cut out of their term before it was finished. To me it says that they don’t have the fortitude to handle any real responsibility. I -know- I wouldn’t be cut out to be in a position of power so I don’t run, she obviously isn’t but wants the power and glory for it. I haven’t been a fan of hers…well ever, but even if I am inherently against her in a lot of her political beliefs I am geniunely trying to figure out what the hell she thinks she is doing. What scares me, is not her and her weird running about like a chicken without it’s head on but the blind faith of her followers who just take every crazy move she makes into stride and looks at the rest of us as if to say ‘what? you don’t think that was awesome  too? wtf?’. That sort of willful ignorance and blind faith scares the holy hell out of me. Especially when it’s directed to someone who could have an impact on my life if they were to really get some of the power that they are seemingly after.

So here I am, after an exhausting day being a mother and a knitter (let me ask the knitting gods what the hell I did to offend them and -exactly- what I have to do to make it better, burning alpaca naked under the full moon? what!?) watching the tv listening to talking heads tell me what -they- think about what is going on and tryin to decide if they are just blowing more smoke out of their ass or if they have any real insight. It is nice to see though that the big blogging bruhahaha going over about Shannyn Moore and her threat to be sued by Palin, is making fairly high billing. Then again MSNBC was named in the potential suit so it shouldn’t be -that- big of a surprise.

So! Today was busy. Did I mention that? I had swim lessons with the boy in the morning and the baby after that and then I did the store and library and..the cat had more kittens. I know I know I know..spaying and all that but the little witch is a freaking houdini of sexing and manages to get out of screens and doors with a flick of her tail as I’m calling the clinic to make an appointment. However, I’m waiting until 2 weeks before these babies are supposed to be weaned, going out and getting her snipped. I am -so- done with this.

The swim lessons with the boys were good, Hunter had a new teacher and was..not entirely thrilled with the idea or the process. He wanted his original but he managed to get over it when he realized he could boss around a whole new group of kids. The new teacher is younger if that is possible and he seemed enthusastic. Gabe however was -not- thrilled with this whole process. He was tired, he was cranky he was pissed off about the water and he did not enjoy any little bit of it. I am going to try to bring Hunter into the pool with us tomorrow and see if it makes any difference and that he enjoys any little bit of the water.

Damn this post has gotten away from me. I need to write earlier, I don’t get so rambly in the mornings. Right now though I am going to go take a shower, curl up in bed with a library book and fortify myself for tomorrow, which looks to be another long long day.

I am just..whiped today. I am not sure why I didn’t do much besides staying up until 1am which for me is like, insane. I can remember a time when I would regularly stay up until 3-4 and manuever through life with nary a bit of problem. Now? I am stumbling through life, bleary eyed and yawning, trying to remember what I was doing ten seconds ago.

Couple that with serious gauge issues with the socks that rock and you have a bleary eyed cranky woman who is trying to keep it together and failing miserably.

Yesterday was fun, I didn’t actually see a single fireworks even though I bought some and we went to Tir’s house to see the big city’s display. I just, between the baby fussing at the point where the first display started and the heat and exhaustion of the socks on the second one I wasn’t up for it. Hunter I am told had a blast and the boys (Gabe excluded) all enjoyed themselves. I think about though on some of the things I said while I was there and I am regretful. I tend to get into a public situation and let my bravado speak for me. I need to work on that. I know I come off very..dominat and intense. I can be like that..I can think like that but I don’t really mean it. I just want to be the funniest, to shine.  I need to step back though, and realize that I don’t have to say every thing that jumps to my head.

I don’t have to be the biggest ball busting bitch there. I really don’t. Because then? people -think- I’m a big ball buster. It’s amazing how that works out and then my feelings get squished and I am helpless to do anything it feels like. I need to stop and think and not let my mouth run.

In other news? I got a bath seat for the baby and tonight the boys both took a bath together for the first time. I can not express how beautiful the moment was for me. Hunter was teaching him to splash (yay) and they were both laughing and squealing and it was everything I ever wanted in becoming a mother.  I am so glad that they connect like they do and hope that it only gets better and better.

Lets make this post even -more- disjointed and of kilter, Tomorrow is my first day of Mommy and Baby swim class and Hunter’s second round through the first level swim classes. I am looking forward to this and trying to figure out how I can manage it all in the same breath. It should be fairly fun though and I am hoping that Gabe doesn’t loose his little -mind- and squall like an angry howler monkey when we get in. He is..not a fan of cold water.

I think though, that this is a fairly decent entry and at least it is up and running right? Right. Ok here’s a blast from the past. I can’t believe he was this small only six months or so ago. It is amazing how they can grow.

Gabe December '08 first weeks alive.